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Barbaric YAWP Girl

~ I'm tired of being silent. I'm stepping into the light, and I'm bringing the truth with me.

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Tag Archives: Rape Culture

Larry Nassar, Penn State, and Our Double Standard on Sexual Abuse

23 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by Christina-Marie in gender bias, jerry sandusky, Justice, larry nassar, Michigan State University, penn state, Rape Culture, Uncategorized, USA Gymnastics

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gender bias, jerry sandusky, Justice, larry nassar, Michigan State University, Rape Culture, USA Gymnastics

Author’s note: This post speaks of gender in a binary way, to illustrate the marked difference in media coverage between cases involving cis male-dominated sports and cis female-dominated sports. It is not my intention to overlook or deny that abuse of nonbinary, trans, and genderqueer children and adults occurs. Rather, it is my contention that such abuses are occurring against members of these demographics at an alarming rate. Nonbinary/trans/genderqueer folks are marginalized and silenced even more greatly than cis females, and while this piece is intended to analyze one particular (binary) gender dichotomy, it is not a comprehensive discussion of marginalization among gender groups. Perhaps that greater discussion deserves its own post. /

 

Me: Know what really bothers me about this whole thing with Larry Nassar?

Person I’m talking to: Who?

Me: Yes. That. That’s what really bothers me.

Let’s talk about Larry Nassar, USA Gymnastics, and Michigan State University — and how this case compares to Jerry Sandusky and Penn State’s own child sex abuse scandal.

The magnitude of this child sex abuse case is staggering. It’s the BIGGEST case of its kind, in recent sports history… but seemingly, no one’s heard of it.

Over 150 victims have come forward to speak about the abuse they suffered, as children, at the hands of Larry Nassar. That’s around ten times more victims than spoke about Jerry Sandusky at Penn State.

Larry Nassar created and kept video footage of him molesting some of his victims, giving definitive proof of at least some of his crimes, while Jerry Sandusky’s conviction relied most heavily on the testimony of his victims, and a scant few eyewitnesses.

 

Unlike Jerry Sandusky — who still professes his innocence — Larry Nassar has pled guilty to at least some of the charges and counts against him

While Jerry Sandusky used the prestige of his position and connections at Penn State to groom and abuse his victims (and their families), Larry Nassar often sexually abused the children in his care during the course of what he called “legitimate medical care.” He was a respected and trusted athletic physician, in the eyes of gymnast families, having worked with more than one Olympic gymnast, and being affiliated with successful gymnastics programs and organizations.

And yet… many people haven’t heard about the many victims of Larry Nassar or, at least, haven’t really followed the story.

But… we were Penn State scandal-obsessed when the news finally broke about Sandusky. EVERYONE was talking about it.

Why?

I have some theories:

1. Who cares about gymnastics?

Everyone, it seems, cares about college football. Football seems to be one of those “untouchable,” deified entities. When college football is tarnished, America itself is tarnished.

Gymnastics remains, largely, a world and culture which exists off the radar of those who aren’t personally entrenched in it — except once every four years, when we breathlessly watch the Olympic Games.

2. It’s a girls’ sport.

Gymnastics is, largely, considered a “female” sport. While male gymnasts are greatly talented, ask the average person to name as many notable male gymnasts as they can, and they might give you… one or two? Ask that same person to name notable female gymnasts, and they’ll likely produce many more names.

And the truth is, we still largely see athletics — as a whole —  as “masculine.” Therefore, we diminish the physicality, discipline, and value of female athletes. After all, sports are for males, right?

Women’s sports receive less coverage, less funding, and less attention. Female professional athletes are paid far less than their male counterparts.

So, when a women’s sport becomes news, it’s not likely to make media waves as large as when a men’s sport does — whether it’s being noted for victory, or scandal.

3. We expect girls to be victims.

Our society still holds a double-standard when it comes to sexual abuse and our boys, and I think it has a lot to do with how we view masculinity, femininity, and gender roles.

We expect girls to be submissive (“Be a good little girl, and __________.”). We expect them to be compliant.

We expect them to hold back from asserting their body autonomy (“Remember to smile!” “Keep your ankles crossed when you sit.”). We expect them to be demure, and in control of their bodies at all times (“Don’t fidget.” “Act like a lady.”).

We expect boys to develop a sense of authority. We expect them to be tough. We expect them to be assertive, and self-confident. And, it seems, all the rules for girls don’t apply to boys. We don’t tell them a smile is their greatest accessory. We don’t tell them how to sit with grace. And, when we do tell them how to act, we tell them to “Act like a man,” meaning, “Don’t be weak. Don’t be soft. Don’t be emotional.” Anything else, we sweep under the rug with a shrug, a laugh, and a “Boys will be boys!”

And so, it rocks us in a way we don’t know how to deal with when our boys become victims, because they aren’t expected to become victims. They’re supposed to be stronger. They’re supposed to be powerful in a way we don’t expect of girls.

A man preying on young girls isn’t good. It’s not okay. It’s not excusable. But… maybe we can kind of, in a long, roundabout way, understand how a sick man might end up there, in a society which conflates femininity, youth, and sex appeal. In a society where content searches for barely-legal “teen” porn top every other genre on top porn sites.

In the course of his position as a doctor for various gymnast organizations, Larry Nassar would — even under legitimate circumstances — have close physical contact with his patients, who were young girls. We can see him taking advantage of that close physical contact. It’s not palatable. It’s not excusable, but we can see it.

But a man who preys on young boys? We just can’t, even! We’ve been conditioned to think men like that only exist in the loner, outlier, grotesque form of Jeffrey Dahmer, or the possibly sexually frustrated or repressed, like some priests in the Catholic Church child sex abuse scandal.

Society isn’t as willing to accept that a man who is revered by his community, long-married to a supportive wife, and seemingly an advocate for youth can also be a pedophile and serial (male) child abuser, so when a man like Jerry Sandusky is exposed, it’s a huge shock, and it gets everyone talking, while a man who serially abuses female children is almost yawn-worthy.

4. We don’t teach girls to use their voices, so it makes us uncomfortable when they do.

This study is eye-opening, as regards the way females and males are conditioned to operate with classroom settings. It finds, among other things, female students may be:

  • less likely to raise their hands immediately in response to initial questions than their male counterparts
  • less likely to call out and demand the teacher’s attention
  • less likely to receive peers’ approval if they do “break rules” and speak out in class frequently without being called on
  • less likely to receive feedback, whether praise, help, or criticism
  • less likely to have their comments credited, developed, adopted, or even remembered by the group
  • more likely to be interrupted when they speak or to have other students answer questions directed to them.

Such patterns continue past elementary, high school, and college classes to business meetings and boardrooms. Recognizing such patterns and working to counteract them can help make women and men more effective speakers and listeners.

[Emphasis mine.]

 

There’s more:

The study also found that females are more likely than their male counterparts to:

  • make shorter and quieter statements
  • present their statements in a more hesitant, indirect, or “polite” manner or use “I” statements (“I guess . . .,” “I was wondering if . . .”)
  • qualify their statements (“sort of,” “maybe,” “perhaps”)
  • add “tag” questions (“. . . isn’t it?,”. . . don’t you think?”)
  • ask questions rather than give statements, even if they know an answer
  • use intonations that turn a statement into a question, or accompany their statements with smiles or averted eyes rather than more assertive gestures, such as pointing
  • apologize for their statements (“I may be wrong, but . . .”).

These discrepancies aren’t solely the product of the general environs of academia. They are, in fact, the product of societal and generational conditioning of gender roles and expectations.

If the Larry Nassar case is any indication, it appears we’re not only failing to teach our girls to use their voices, but we’re also failing to listen, when — against the odds — they actually do.

The “Harmless” Speech That Hurts Our Children

24 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by Christina-Marie in Uncategorized

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Tags

parenting, Rape Culture

I squared off with a healthcare provider, yesterday. 

One of our foster kiddos, Alpha, had a medical appointment which involved needles, and a measurable amount of pain and discomfort. 

Was the procedure necessary? Yes. 

What was not necessary was the words of the provider, immediately afterward. 

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asked. 

Alpha didn’t say anything. 

“Did you have fun?”

Alpha, looking uncomfortable, didn’t respond. The appointment involved needles, and tears. I feel secure in telling you Alpha did NOT have fun during his appointment. 

I stepped in for him. 

“Alpha, you don’t have to say it was fun, if it wasn’t. It’s okay.”

“Awwww… you’ll hurt my feelings!” said the provider, in a mock whine.

At that point, my blood boiled, and I didn’t hold back.

“Alpha… You are not responsible for the feelings of adults being hurt. Adults can handle their own feelings.” I gently put my hand on his shoulder, and guided him toward the exit. 

The provider was taken aback, and quickly dismissed us.

Here’s the thing…

I’m sure the provider didn’t consider his words before he said them. I’m sure he’s a great human being. In fact, most of our other interactions with him have been awesome (he sees several of our children).

BUT… words like his can hurt our children. 

When children learn they have to please adults (“Say you had fun”), in spite of what their own feelings and bodies tell them (it wasn’t fun, and it hurt), it teaches kids that pleasing adults is more important than feeling safe.

When children learn they are responsible for the feelings of adults (“You’ll hurt my feelings if you don’t ________”), it teaches kids they must comply with what an adult tells them to do, even if it doesn’t feel good or safe. 

This lesson is especially critical when we put it in terms of childhood sexual abuse. 

Telling a child, “Hug your (adult relative), or you’ll hurt (their) feelings,” teaches that child that the adult’s feelings are more important than the child’s comfort. Further, it teaches the child that the child has an obligation to do what the adult wants, to preserve the feelings of the adult.

I know a childhood sexual abuse victim who was forced — as a child — to apologize to her abuser, by her mother, for saying she didn’t like how the abuser touched her when her mother wasn’t around. Because it upset the abuser. 

When I was raped at 14 years old, an adult made clear to me that whatever I did, I couldn’t tell my dad, lest his emotions get out of control, and he do something regrettable. At 14, I was tasked with keeping my dad’s emotions in check.  

Children are not responsible for — nor should they be saddled with feeling responsible for — the feelings of adults, and when we let language like this go, without correcting it, we are setting our children up to be perfect targets for abuse. 

Children should not be pressured or compelled to be “polite” about their experiences, when those experiences cause them pain or discomfort. To allow other adults to suggest otherwise, without correcting it, sets our children up to be targets for abuse. 

A friend recently shared her story, about how she finally told her mother about the mother’s boyfriend sexually abusing her (my friend). The day after the disclosure, the boyfriend was angrily stomping around the house. 

My friend said, “I wish he wasn’t so angry all the time.”

Her mother responded with, “Well, you know what you need to do (to make him not so angry),” suggesting my friend offer herself up as a sacrifice to soothe the emotions of the angry boyfriend. 

Perhaps this is an extreme example. I know it was certainly outrageous, and heartbreaking, for me to hear.

However, people don’t need to implicitly instruct children to submit to sexual abuse in order to groom them for it, through language. 

Words that tell children they are not in control of their bodies groom them. 

“Give your auntie a kiss.” 

“Your grandpa wants a hug. Go hug him.”

Words that tell children they must state they are comfortable and enjoying themselves — when they are not — groom them. 

“Tell your uncle how much fun you had on his boat (even though you were terrified the entire time).” 

“Your cousin wasn’t hurting you… he was just tickling you, and playing (even though you repeatedly told him to stop, and started crying and trying to get away when he wouldn’t).”

Words that tell children they are responsible for an adult’s feelings — and that children have a duty to protect those feelings — groom them. 

“Mommy is going to be really sad if you don’t kiss her goodbye.”

“It’s going to hurt Daddy’s feelings if you don’t go fishing with him.”

It’s not enough to avoid using this language, ourselves. We need to also correct it when other adults use it, and expose our children to it. 
 

 

About that Brock Turner Photo… It Matters, but Not Why You Think

15 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by Christina-Marie in Brock Turner, Justice, Rape Culture, Uncategorized

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Tags

Brock Turner, Rape Culture, re-victimization, statistics

I get, people. Really, I do.

You’re saying that news agencies and media outlets should stop using that All-American, professionally retouched, squeaky-clean head shot:

and use instead his glassy-eyed mugshot:

This booking photo released by the Santa Clara County Sheriff's Office shows Brock Turner, the former Stanford University swimmer who was sentenced last week to six months in jail and three years' probation for sexually assaulting an unconscious woman, January 2015.

I understand.

What you’re saying in your pleas is you want the public and the world to see him as he is now — a criminal. A rapist. An unapologetic one, at that.

And, as much as I understand that sentiment (I feel it, too! I really, really do!), I truly believe we need to see the polished, poised head shot.

Here’s why:

The guy who is going to rape or sexual assault most likely isn’t a creepy stranger. He’s most likely a guy you know, or think you know. He is — colloquially — the “boy next door.”

Three out of four sexual violence attacks are committed by someone known to the victim. It’s going to be a neighbor. A “friend.” A friend of a friend. A teacher. A family member. A classmate. A teammate. A guy you go on a date with. A guy you meet at a club and dance with all night.

See the second picture? The guy with the bloodshot, empty eyes? We know to stay away from that guy, or to at least have our guards up. If he’s a stranger — someone you have never had any contact with — if you are going to be raped, there is only a 25% chance that stranger will be the one to rape you.

25% sounds like pretty lousy odds… I know. But, here’s the thing: If we are to believe findings that  18% of women in the U.S. have been raped (a figure which I personally think to be on the low side… I’d wager it’s closer to 35% or more, but I’m not a researcher), it means that 25% of that 18% — or 4.5% — of women are raped by strangers.

That first picture? He’s the guy to be smart about. He’s the guy who might literally try to charm the pants off you, and take aggressive action when he fails. He is the guy who we need to educate against, most aggressively. He is the guy who is tricky, because gosh darn it… he seems like such a nice guy. No one could ever imagine him hurting anyone!

Here’s what I know, from personal experience:

There is no mugshot of the man who sexually abused me as a child. There are, however, years’ worth of professionally-shot portraits of him in my school’s annuals.

The guy who raped me when I was 14 was a friend of a friend, firmly within my circle of acquaintances, and someone I felt comfortable being around. I didn’t feel like I had to have my guard up that night. If anything, I thought he would be someone who would protect me if anyone else tried to hurt me.

I placed my trust in the wrong guy.

When I was raped in college, it was under almost identical circumstances.

When I was drugged and woke up in a hospital, I’d been reportedly poured into a cab by the two businessmen I’d met earlier at a cafe where I’d had a cup of coffee and a sandwich. We’d spent a good deal of time talking about our work, and making small talk. I don’t remember leaving the cafe. Were we friends? No. Acquaintances? Not really. Does this fall under “stranger assault?” Probably. I don’t know if I was assaulted or raped. The hospital didn’t perform a rape kit or toxicology screen, insisting I’d become unconscious due to self-induced intoxication.

Why do I share, and re-share those experiences? Because I need you to understand a few things:

  1. Most of the abuse/rape/assaults I’ve lived have been at the hands of people I knew and trusted.
  2. Early abuse and rape increases the chances of being re-victimized later in life by a huge margin. HUGE.  Studies suggest that sexual victimization in childhood or adolescence increases the likelihood of sexual victimization in adulthood between 2 and 13.7 times. 
  3. The people who violated me looked far more like that first photo of Brock Turner than the second one. Far more. Squeaky-clean, All-American, guy-next-door people.

 

When we get riled and cry out because the world needs to see Brock Turner as the rapist he is, and to do so we must see his mug shot, we are missing the mark. He is just as much a rapist in his suit and tie with a smile as he is in his white hoodie with vacant eyes.

When I chose to sit at the group table in the cafe, alone, I chose the table with the guys in business suits because they seemed more put together and respectable — more trustworthy — than the scroungy guys at some of the other tables with seats available. I thought I was making the safe choice. You know what, though?

Bad guys — scary guys, guys who drug your coffee and take you to hotel rooms — wear suits, too.

Until things change in the world… Until all humans learn, believe, and live the principles that a) consent is mandatory, b) other people’s bodies are not an entitlement to someone else, c) children cannot provide consent, persons with diminished capacity may not be able to provide consent, and persons who are incapacitated are incapable of providing consent, d) rape is an act of violence, and e) perpetrators are 100% responsible and accountable for their acts of violence…

Until then… We need to be on guard.

I’m just as tired of the victim-blaming rape culture as you are. It’s not okay to tell victims they shouldn’t have been drinking, or walking alone, or accepting rides from guys they barely know, or… or… or…

But still, we need to be vigilant.

We need to be smart, and we need to be realistic. It is not succumbing to rape culture to keep our wits about us. It is not succumbing to rape culture to learn to defend ourselves. It is not succumbing to rape culture to listen to the small alarm bells in our minds, rather than dismissing them.

None of that is succumbing to rape culture. All of those things are empowering, and powerful.

When those things fail, and the unthinkable happens, it is kicking rape culture in the balls to speak out, and to refuse to accept any of the victim-blaming rhetoric.

This blog, this re-telling, this journaling, this vulnerability… it’s me, kicking rape culture square in the balls.

 

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